“Trees, Fences, Garbage Receptacles, and EVERYTHING on any Grassy area”

You know how when you walk your dog (outside) and they never go in the same spot twice? Like they can’t stand the smell their own pee? Gott behüte! (Heaven forbid!).

And, if where you live has a (combined) 3,684 “Trees, Fences, Garbage Receptacles, and EVERYTHING on any Grassy area” (my title for this piece) you know what I’m saying. Silly me, I always walk to the first three trees that he ever pissed on. Shelton sniffs at the first tree. 360 Degrees later (walk around the tree), no pee, and Shelton looks up at me with a slight grin as if to say, “On to thee next tree, stupid”.

Same thing second and third tree, except this time, after the third tree, I say out loud what I only thought of at the first two trees, “I guess you can pee when and where you want to, and I can go sit on that fucking  bench over there when I want to”, (as I turn and start walking over to the bench, finally, after the first three trees. No, I can’t just skip the first or last two trees, because that would be defeating my purpose of always starting with the first three trees which are no more than 50 feet away from the kitchen door of the casa.

Shelton’s on a leash, because we live so close to that idiot’s house at Mara Lagoo, or whatever it’s called. So, I have to say, Shelton always trots along with me, I never have to yank on his leash as a signal. Well, on to number, 1,872 of all the different things he’s pissed on, “We’re halfway there, dude”, I say to Shelton.

Infrequently, I need to find a big tree that I can ALSO take a piss behind. I’ve always been lucky the four times in that Shelton and I would be on the south side of our estate where all the really old, huge Oak trees are at. Today, we are on the west side where all the Birch trees are, if you get my drift (Oak trees big, Birch trees thin). Oh, and every time I AM pissing behind one of those Oak trees, I have this crazy feeling that somebody’s watching.

The neighbors say that that dude Frump likes to get off on watching dudes pee on MY Oak trees (yes, my two assistants walk Shelton sometimes and have the same issues regarding how many different places Shelton can sniff out and decide to go on to that Water Fountain). Maybe THAT’S why frump is looking at THEM, you know, my two assistants that insisted (requested) that they walk Shelton together. Then they get out there in that forest of really Old Oak trees, and wank each other off or something? Is THAT what frump is looking at with his binoculars?

P. S. This story was inspired by my last walk with Shelton, AND….Wait for it…..That single small rectangular piece of “Chocolate” that I purchased earlier today. My son was right. Holy Crapola! Like he said, “Dad, be careful with those edibles. They can really surprise you when they hit, and DON’T take more than one small piece”. I can say that it was a very pleasant, relaxing, and inspiring high.

As I finished the above, and published it here on my website, and posted it to approximately 80 different pages and groups on farcecrap, I “Clicked” the switch off on my wireless mouse as I always do when I need to take a break, and it’s ALWAYS a good time to take Shelton out to do his business (craps twice a day. Once in the morning , and then late afternoon-early evening, pees four to five times a day, (that’s a LOT of “Trees, Fences, Garbage Receptacles, and EVERYTHING on any Grassy area”), and Shelton, who WAS sound asleep next to my chair, snapped to when I “clicked” my wireless mouse off….like someone lit a match under his big toe. He knows the “click” of that mouse switching-off sound. Anyway, I walked down the hall to the kitchen mixed myself a Martini (shaken, not stirred, with a twist of lemon, a splash of Vermouth,no olives or olive juice), and then I opened the cupboard where I keep all my munchies, and as I thought to myself, “Gee, there’s that “Chocolate” sitting right next to the Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.  Hmmmmm. I grabbed the Reeses this time.

Peace & Abide, La paz y la morada, السلام والالتزام , שלום ושמירה, Paix et Demeure, Խաղաղությունը եւ մնալը, Мир и пребывание,, 平和と遵守, 和平與恪守, Aştî û Abad, صلح و عبید, Fred och Abide, Kapayapaan at Patuloy, Frieden und Bleiben, Mir i Ostanite, शांति और निवास, Hòa bình và ở lại, Мир и Абиде, שלום און בלייַבן, สันติภาพและการปฏิบัติ, Mir in bivanje,

Yadhum oore yaavarum kelir, “The World Is One Family”

Dr. T. C. Saxe, DD, RSISHE

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For those who have been keeping up with my progress with “The Dead Armadillo” story, here’s my latest:

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