This little story is for all the “Old Farts” out there, or other unintentional victims of the same issue. I suppose I could also add this to my “Stand-Up” routine.
You know this can happen to you, or perhaps it already has happened to you. It’s two o’clock in the morning, and you are finally getting ready to go to bed. In my case, I’ve been writing literally all day and night. As I’m standing there a thought goes through my mind that I will share in a moment.
So, I lay down, get all snugly with my blankie and full-body pillow between my legs, and I reach back just to scratch an itch on my ass. While I have my left hand down there, I non-nonchalantly or maybe habitually, explore the actual anus with three of the fingers on my left hand.
Now, 364 out of 365 nights out of the year they come back clean as a whistle (not that I would EVER take a casual whiff of those three fingers), I just instinctively have known by touchy-feely that my anus WAS clean as an unused Adult Depends.
Well, this time, by touchie-feelie, I can tell right away that I have a teeny-tiny piece of cookie-dough-soft poop on my finger. So, what do I do? I momentarily think, “I’ll just wipe my fingers off on my sheet” and go to sleep. Immediately rejecting that thought, realizing that sometime during my sleep, I MIGHT just scratch my face, or nose, in spite of being warmed and snuggled by my blankie, I got up and walked a few feet to the bathroom.
Now, first of all, I have to confess, I did smoke a bowl of my Ensenada Sunrise tonight, and as I’m standing there, after turning the light on to reveal this “Roasted Marshmallow” consistency shit smeared on the tips of three fingers, I reached for the toilet paper and used up that last three sheets on the “Active” roll, after struggling of course to detach that last three sheets from the roll, because that last sheet IS attached to the roll with super-glue. It barely put a dent in the crap on my fingers, which is now smeared by your efforts.
Grabbing another roll would have been easy if the rolls were already out of the fucking package and sitting on the shelf in front of me, BUT NO! You have to maneuver the package with three rolls (was a 4-roll package) with one hand and a knee because the three rolls are still snugly wrapped in their plastic package, and your left hand is as “Useless as Wings on a Penis” at that point.
Now it gets even stranger, and as this next “Act” unfolds, the new roll that is finally now in your right hand ALONE, is being a little stubborn. Try peeling off the starting sheet on a fresh roll of TP, it’s not that easy, one-handed (left hand waiting in the wings, so to speak).
So, I finally accomplished getting the “First Sheet Start” task completed, and as I rolled off about ten sheets, it all came off in narrow a ribbon-sort-of configuration. Because it was a two-ply TP, I now had twelve to fifteen “Confetti-tized” strands of that inaugural TP in my right hand……..try using THAT one-handed.
Using that for starters as I start wiping off the three guilty fingers on my left hand and now laughing out loud to myself , I thought of that first time that I was going pee-pee, before going to bed, as I finished taking my final pee and “shaking it”, I thought to myself, “I should wipe before I go to bed”. It’s been about three hours, maybe four, since I had my last bowel movement, and I know that I was clean as Jeffrey Epstein’s Beach Pad in Tel Aviv because with his money I’m sure he has a maid, (yes, I think he’s still alive) then, but ok, so I did fart a few times over the course of the evening after my BM, so, oh well”. I went to bed without my routine “Anus Check/Wipe”
Point is obviously, it was a bit more than just my routine farts. That was the first thought that occurred to me as I was laying there, all comfy and cozy, with the slight hesitation, “Wipe on sheet? Get your ass out of bed and go to the bathroom, it’s a small turd”. I was still laughing at myself when I finally went to bed.
The moral of the story. Everyone, not just old farts like me, (this post is really directed to the men, because we all assume that women wipe both front and back holes after urinating) all men who pee standing up should check their anus before going to bed.
Peace & Abide, La paz y la morada, السلام والالتزام , שלום ושמירה, Paix et Demeure, Խաղաղությունը եւ մնալը, Мир и пребывание,, 平和と遵守, 和平與恪守, Aştî û Abad, صلح و عبید, Fred och Abide, Kapayapaan at Patuloy, Frieden und Bleiben, Mir i Ostanite, शांति और निवास, Hòa bình và ở lại, Мир и Абиде, שלום און בלייַבן, สันติภาพและการปฏิบัติ, Mir in bivanje,
Dr. T. C. Saxe, DD, RSISHE
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