I often think that some of my “Brain Farts” could be part of a “Stand-Up” routine, so here we go, here’s a few examples.
“It’s a little Nippy out”
So, earlier today I was having a cup of coffee at Starbucks, sitting outside by myself on their patio. It was a little chilly out, so I said to myself, “It’s a little NIPPY out here”. Immediately it got me to thinking,”, “Gee, I wonder where that saying came from”. I immediately answered myself, “The first dude, perhaps sitting out on a patio somewhere, and there happened to be a few other people sitting there as well, happened to catch a glance at a woman’s nipple getting hard underneath her flimsy silk t-shirt because of the cold air and commented, IT’S A LITTLE NIPPLE POKING OUT THERE!”. The woman reacted saying, “What the FUCK did you just say?”. The dude corrected himself, “It’s NIPPY, you know, cold out here”. Thereafter we all say “It’s a little nippy out here”.
My daughter texted a photo she had just taken from the Freeway near Carson, and I had to download it, blow it up, to actually read the sign. She was suggesting a place to take my grandson for a family outing some day. When I asked what it was, (after blowing it up to see for myself), I texted, “Ahhhhh, I had to squint….fogarts”. Fogarts was an honest typo, so I text, “Go-Carts”. It got me to thinking, just what is fogarts, then I split the word up, what is Fog Art? Hahahahahahaha. So I text, “Fog Art is when you paint a beautiful landscape, and you can’t tell where or what it is because the fog is so dense. FOG ART.
So, I went to have my blood drawn this morning, you know, to check my blood sugar, cholesterol, and shit, and my PCP added the PSA test to check my prostate for cancer. Something all of us old farts need to do at least once a year.
Now, I have Medicare and a very good supplemental insurance that covers the normal tests, but the PSA test is NOT covered. I sometimes wonder why. Why do I have to pay $214.83 to have them check my PSA. What’s the 83 cents for? I just find it odd that the PSA test is not covered by insurance. After all, 86 deaths per day due to Prostate Cancer, that’s and 31,620 this year. You would think that with that many dudes dying every day, that the test would be included under Medicare.
For those of you that are not aware, PCP in my case stands for “Primary Care Physician” not “Angel Dust”.
SO, I’m a big boy, not too overwhelmed by a stranger sticking a needle in my arm, but I have had a few instances that were just plain un-necessary pain when some fat old nurse in a hospital kept jabbing and sticking that needle in, twisting and poking, until you finally ask what the fuck is going on. She says, “I’m kinda new at this, sorry”.
So, based on those few bad experiences, I sit down in the chair with the folding arm rests expecting the worst, hoping for the best. This morning, my Phlebotomist is this cute little Filipino gal that’s preparing to take my blood, with a needle.
Based on my few bad experiences. The first thing I always say regardless of who it is that is going to be sticking that needle in my arm is, “I’m a little scared of needles”. She comforts me, saying, “I will be very gentle with you”.
Of course, she was careful, and afterwards explains the scenario that my insurance MAY not cover the PSA test. A few hours later I’m at home chillin” and the following thoughts come to mind.
I swear, every time I’ve had my blood drawn (besides the fat nurse in the hospital). It’s been a cute little Filipino gal that’s done the task. So, I started thinking of something nice to say BEFORE your cute little Phlebotomist sticks that needle in your arm. Start out innocently by saying, “Gee, you are very pretty”, She smiles and thanks you of course. “How tall are you? You can’t weigh more than 100 pounds”, to which she replies, “I’m four foot ten and I weigh 98 pounds”. Stop right there, don’t say another word.
But NO, you go on to what I call the “Hail Mary question if because you are a gambler and a glutton for punishment. “Do you like to spin?”. Now if she is truly innocent, (only 26 years old) she will smile and not really know what the fuck you are talking about, so you say, “I’d spin you like a Merry-Go-Round”. If she still smiles, because she has no fucking clue, you’re good to go. If she has understood every word you said, she’s going to stick that needle in your arm 18 times, maybe twist the needle a little as well before she finds a vein. Try it sometime. Today it was only one jab of the needle, didn’t feel it at all. She was clueless.
P. S. For those of you that might be offended, I really didn’t say this to Mary the Phlebotomist, it was an after thought hours later.
“Three Turds walk into a bar”
Sooooo, these three turds (well, two turds and a giant pool of nasty looking shit) walk into this bar. The obvious leader was the biggest turd I’d ever seen, what I call the “Arnold”, (make a bodybuilder pose), in a Schwarzenegger voice say, “I am de biggesttt baaadest Tuurd alive!!”. The medium-sized Turd right behind “Arnold” we will call “Richard” (said in a gay British way). “Richard” is sorta squishy whishy TURD. Not too soft, not too hard, a “Just Right” kinda Turd (flail of the arm). “Richard” was a medium-soft Turd because Alice ate a banana every day). The nasty smelling pool of diarrhea’s name is “Mary”, you know, as in MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB and it was flowing right behind the two Turds, “Arnold” and “Richard”
Soooo, Arnold, Richard, and Mary, were mid-way through their first round, drinking and talking. Side comment: Have you ever heard a TURD talk? Well I have! One very scary night, a very long ago, really sick-drunk at 2:17 AM at some party. It’s funny, I remember the exact time I stuck my head in the toilet to begin a conversation with the log I had just dropped, but I don’t remember what bar or club I was at. Shit, I can’t even remember what state I was in. TURDS DO talk if you’re drunk enough to listen.
Sooooo, picture in your mind, if you will, the two Turds and the pool of shit are sharing recent accomplishments. Listen in, as we now hear the “Arnold” Turd sharing, “I ripped Little Miss Muffet a brand-new asshole this morning. Her boyfriend Jake has nothing on me. She screamed like a Banshee, and grunted like the fat old hog she is. When I finally dropped, I splashed water back up on her bleeding asshole. Little Miss Muffet has to sit down slowly and gently on her “Tuffet” until her butthole heals.
Now “Richard” the squishy whishy Turd shares, “No big deal here, no major earth-shattering news, Alice just sat down, gave out a slight little grunt and push. I just squeezed out like cookie dough from its wrapper. Landed politely in the water, and floated there for just a little bit until she flushed because I was a polite one-wiper turd.
Lastly, “Mary”, the brown pool of stinky diarrhea spoke, “Someone played a trick on Betty. They lacing her Hershey’s Chocolate bars with EXLAX. She ate at least a half a pound’s worth watching “I Love Lucy” re-runs. I sprayed all over the place, the wall, the floor, and some made it in the toilet. I am the embodiment of the phrase, “When the shit hits the fan”.
Back to my experience. Just as I was completing my sentence, “Ohhhh!! I think I’m going to be sickkkkk, what do you think of that! You sorry piece of shit!!!”, I swear I thought I heard my Turd chime in, helping me complete my sentence……..“Piece of Shit”, but adding, “Take a deep breath and hold it”, just as I started throwing up my Sushi.
Postscript: It’s a nice morning, Thursday the 4th of April, 2019, and I’m sitting here taking a dump. My thoughts are wandering, you know, I’m not thinking about anything serious, like World Peace, etceteras, and my thoughts, (sometimes out loud), are of NOT being constipated since the good doctors at the Mayo Clinic hooked my anus back up (during the surgery in 2012, for a life threatening case of Diverticulitis, had removed around eight feet of my lower colon),
I digress, anyway, I was just having a pleasant time taking a normal shit, when all of a sudden, I remembered the BIGGEST TURD I had ever seen in my entire life. I was in the 1st Grade at Soderville Elementary School when this happened. It’s a normal day in school, when all of a sudden, the teacher makes this huge announcement in front of the whole school (typical one-room school house).
She says, “Kids, you HAVE to come and see this”….She leads all of us curiosity seekers to the bathroom in the front hallway, and then says, “Johnnie” a second-grader, (I’ll use that name because I can’t think of his real name), Johnnie, I know it was you that left this little surprise for all of us to see”.
In the wintertime, we kept buckets of water next to the toilet to pour in and flush, so the teacher, Mrs. Crazy as Batshit, was using Johnnie as an example I guess, to show us all how important it was to “Flush” the toilet after use.
Anyway, what Johnnie left in the toilet bowl without flushing was, still today, THE LARGEST TURD I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. It had to be four inches in diameter and at least 14 inches long. How a little kid could drop a log that big was amazing. She should have contacted the Guinness Book of World Records. Johnnie, I’m sure was embarrassed, and after that occasion, we never again saw an un-flushed toilet.
“It goes WITHOUT saying”
It goes without saying, there is a certain amount of discretion one must use in our language around certain types of people, like little kids or some adults. Have you ever said something that at the time, you just were not thinking clearly and really did not intend on embarrassing yourself, or you were just one really strange mother-fucker after all, like, for instance, you are listening to your grandmother as she is describing, for the tenth time, her hip replacement surgery she had five years ago, and you say, “I just want to come in your room tonight and fuck you in the ass”. Good thing she’s deaf and can’t read lips. Bad thing however, I didn’t notice the nurse that walked in the room at that precise moment and was standing behind me when I said it. They don’t let me visit granny anymore. You just don’t say shit like that to your grandmother. It’s perfectly okay to say something like that to your children’s mother, and in the right circumstances, somewhat okay to say that to your girlfriend’s mother……….My girlfriend’s mother is a hottie……..It goes without saying.
Here’s a “One-Liner”
I will be adding to this post from time to time, so stay tuned folks, i.e., to be continued…….
Postscript: Reason for the image of a Pope? I think ALL preaching is a “Joke”, i.e., Stand-Up Comedy
Peace & Abide,
Strain: SIZE42DDDCUP, harvested April 10th. 2019
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