Okay, so I’m at Karaoke for the first time in many years. I’ve been wanting to just show up at one of my friends, Chelsee’s Karaoke venues (she does a few at a few different bars during the week).
After much consternation and coaxing, here I am, standing before a crowded bar in front of the mike. “I have to say folks, I’m a little bit nervous about singing again, especially after having all my teeth pulled out. If there are any philanthropic dentists in the room tonight, I am looking for a good deal on those permanent implants……..So I can look like a seventy-year old, old fart with the teeth of a twenty-year old.
Okay, I know it’s not open-mike night at the Improv, but I have to tell you the rest of the story. I was out to dinner at my fav Sushi Bar the other night with my Son and my five-year old Grandson. During the meal, Owen (my grandson) looks at me intently and says, “Grandpa, you don’t have any teeth!”, which I responded by showing him my naked gums saying, “I’m waiting for my Baby Teeth to come in”. With a puzzled look on his face, he says, “But Grandpa, aren’t Baby Teeth for babies?”. I thought trying to explain Permanent Implants would be harder to explain.
“Of course, my handsome Grandson, I can also lift my leg like a dog”. My Son looks at me and shakes his head saying, “Let’s change the subject, Dad”. Isn’t it funny how those whom are the closest to you, rarely laugh at your sense of humor?”. “It’s OK Son, it’s not what you are thinking”, I tell him. Of course, he thought I was going to start explaining to Owen that when I’m out in the backyard at night, and have to pee, I lift my leg like a dog, and pee.
Of course, that was not where that “Train” of thought was going. What I did explain is that one time I was pulled over on the 118 by the Highway Patrol, and that the officer said he pulled me over for “Driving Erratically”. Why do they use the term “Erratically”? What if I was driving “Spazzmatically”, or “unpredictably” (same thing). So, the officer politely asks me, “Sir, please step out of the vehicle, please”, with his right hand resting on his pistol. Then he explains the situation to me. “I have reason to believe that you have been driving under the influence”, the officer says.
Then he proclaims the need for me to take the FIELD SOBRIETY TEST. I nailed all of the tests with straight “A’s”………..Until the part where he said, “Now, lift my right leg, and touch my nose with my left index finger”. I did what he asked me to do. You guessed it, as soon as I lifted my right leg, and touched my nose, I sneezed out some snot……..And pissed in my pants.
Okay, so you are thinking that for sure he arrested me on the spot. Since I had passed all the FIELD SOBRIETY TESTS, including the BREATHALYZER TEST, he let me go on my merry way. I say “Merry Way” because I HAD smoked a few bowls before leaving the Karaoke Bar. “You’re funny, Grandpa!” Owen says. Give him a few years, my son said.
The Sushi was great the other night when I explained all this to my Grandson, Owen. Okay, so now I’m going to sing the Jewish Frank Sinatra version of, “MY VEY”.
Peace & Abide,
Dr. T. C. Saxe, DD
Strain: YELLOWSNOW, harvested November 18th, 2018
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