Schtick from a night of online video poker

Schtick from a night of online video poker.

I was talking to my opponents, four of them, talking my schtick, describing the feeling you get when you’re actually able to see their faces, and SOMETIMES, actually carry on a decent conversation,  like in a real tourney or local game.

The difference with online poker is that it attracts a lot of idiots. With live poker, it’s always great when you can actually talk to the other players.

With this particular app, people are forced to listen, as long as they seem to be enjoying the back and forth banter, or, they AREN’T listening because they have muted ME.

Soooo, like I always do, I made up a story to tell, that was partially true, because I’M THE KING OF TABLE TALK, HAHAHA!

Sooooo, as I was saying, I’ve been in 10 WSOP tournaments. Never made it to the final table, but I’ve averaged about $300,000 a year. I HAVE monied every year.

Here’s the song:

“Never made it to the final table, cause this fat ugly bitch just tripped me , or did I trip myself when she bent over picking up that can of corn”. End of song. I have to work on the tune a little.

Small cans. Not 5 pound cans of corn, maybe 8 ounce cans that Eddy threw in the general direction of the small crowd of six or seven fat chicks that weren’t out on the dance floor. I grew up on a farm in Minnesota. We had plenty of fat chicks per capita.

The poker brat, what ever his name is….You know, he’s won something like, seven bracelets. Gets loud and obnoxious, stands up, walks around pulling his hair out, gnashing his teeth. Ya really wanna take him outside and beat the shit outa him……

JUST KIDDING! Phillip Jerome Hellmuth Jr. (Goes by Phil) and I are actually close friends. Have been for over ten years.

He’s ACTUALLY a really nice dude in person. I’ll never forgot how much I laughed when he told me it was all theater. When you see him blow his fuses on live TV or in person like me, IT’S ALL AN ACT!

50 people came and went, 50 people came and went, I took all their money over the course of six hours, 50 people came and went, 50 people came and went, all shapes and sizes, and every color too, including pink, yes, a dude that painted his face, arms, hands, and tongue…..WAIT FOR IT!…….PINK!

I got to stop to take a shit, I got to stop to take a shit…..

1 more ci-gar and then I’m gone, 1 more ci-gar and then I’m gone,

So, I was talking to this new set of players and I happen to get irritated right away by some asshole with his TV set turned up because his batteries were dead in his 1950’s hearing aids…….. told the table, “At least with this software you can turn off the assholes speaker.

I always find that politeness doesn’t work. AT ALL! I always give them about 30 seconds. After I’ve railed into them with the harsh but blunt reality, “What a rude asshole you are! There’s this invention called EAR BUDS! In a real game, you HAVE to use ear buds to listen to your bullshit”.

So, it’s rare to actually find anyone interested in conversation. It’s okay if your noise in the background is sound or music is really low, so soft it’s actually soothing, or perhaps it’s the quiet sound of your doggie slurping at your feet.

That’s all well and good, but the minute you join MY table with Heavy Metal shit at volume number 12, I’m going to rail into you so hard you’ll either turn down your bullshit, after my initial very polite request of course.

You’ll leave the table because I hurt your feelings, or if you insist on not being polite at my table, and you stay, I’ll simply turn your microphone off. I know a LOT of players leave after a few hands because they are intimidated by my chip stack and my play.

I give them 30 seconds. If they haven’t turned their shit off or down in 30 seconds, I figure he or she is not gonna be interested in having a conversation with me like in a real tourney, so I turn their mike off.

One of the things I like to do withe it’s in a live tournament or when I first sit at an online table is tell everybody what my “Tells” are. It’s obviously more fun in a live tourney.

“Okay folks, now that I have your attention, if you see me leaning slightly to my left and fart, I have pocket Cowboys. If you see me lean slightly to my right and fart, I have pocket Ladies. If you see me flick a booger at the dealer when he or she is not looking, I have pocket Rockets. If you see my right hand disappear beneath the table and I appear to be spanking the monkey, I have the “Nuts”.

Works on some of the players. You can fool some of the people some of the time but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.

First hand I win with Pocket Rockets I always show my Aces before I drag the pot over. Etcetera. No one really ever knows for sure, but it DOES work sometimes when I’m bluffing with rags.

I Bad Beat myself a few times tonight hahaha! There’s only been a few times when I thought I had the “Nuts”, like a Nut Flush and found out that two of those Spades were Clubs. Time to clean the reading glasses.

If you notice in my graphic, I have a Golden Crown on my head, and $13 million in chips. The closest player to me at that time had $3 million. I always tell them that 38.6% of the players over the past six hours have been DONKS! Short for Donkey.

I’ve been wearing that Golden Crown for the last six hours, at the same table I originally sat down at.

All you ever see is my ceiling. Once in a while I’ll show my face. But when all they can see is my ceiling, I’ll raise up my hands and clap, and imitate a Seal “OORRK OORRK” whenever someone else wins a pot that I’m in at the River. Ever hear my Seal?

Have you heard my Elephant impression? In high school, my favorite line with the girls was, (after pulling out one empty pocket, usually my right pocket), “Have you seen my Elephant Ear? Wanna see the Elephant’s Trunk?”……As I start unzipping my pants.

I used that line all the way to my mid-twenties. I stopped using that line after I got married.

Note: Do NOT, try that line in a biker bar full of Hells Angels with a biker chick.

I finally quit playing after eight hours at pretty decent poker. Left with 14.75 million chips. Quit to let my dog Shelton out to pee. I’m surprised he hung in there for so long without pissing on my slippers. Stay tuned for more of my “Poker Talk”.

Postscript: As earlier stated , part of this essay is fictional . Parts of it are not. I’m not a long-time friend of Phil Helmuth. Never met him. I do believe it’s all an act on his part , and that he really is a great dude behind the scenes. Oh yeah , almost forgot to mention. I’ve actually won twice in Laughlin playing the Sunday morning old farts tournaments.

Postscript Too!: I will accept a challenge from any of the world’s top ten poker players in a “Heads Up” match.

The software/platform is POKER FACES. Check it out.

This post was brought to you by those wonderfully visionaries at IRTHKOIN (me). The Evolutionary Crypto-Currency coming soon to your laptop, computer, and cellphone, stay tuned for news.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stay tuned for updates on my “Gummies” coming soon to a Walmart near you

Peace & Abide, La paz y la morada, السلام والالتزام , שלום ושמירה, Paix et Demeure, Խաղաղությունը եւ մնալը, Мир и пребывание,, 平和と遵守, 和平與恪守, Aştî û Abad, صلح و عبید, Fred och Abide, Kapayapaan at Patuloy, Frieden und Bleiben, Mir i Ostanite, शांति और निवास, Hòa bình và ở lại, Мир и Абиде, שלום און בלייַבן, สันติภาพและการปฏิบัติ, Mir in bivanje,