I was inspired by this Meme on farcecrap tonight. Here’s my original “comment” to Twisted Adult’s Humor +21 posting:
“At your ex-wife’s grandmother’s funeral. I’m writing a skit about it as we speak. Any comedy writers out there that would like to join in on my fun, and collaborate with me, jut PM me and we’ll form a small “Chat Group”. Hell of a thought, there’s a story about how I got invited there (to the funeral) in the first fucking place, then another background story involving those time when you were still married, and would take “Grandma” out for Sushi (or whatever). etcetera etcetera etcetera”.
Here’s what I wrote for my posting here on my website:
My answer? At my ex-wife’s grandmother’s funeral. You must wonder how in the hell did I get invited to my ex-wife’s grandmother’s funeral? Or did I “Crash” it, just for the “Shits & Giggles” of it? Well, in my case, when I was married to old “what’s her name”, we used to visit her grandma once every couple of months.
I have to admit, when I first met Grandma, I was annoyed, impatient, and thought she was the “Seedling Bitch” for the three women that followed her footsteps, my Ex’s mother, what a fucking bitch she was. My Ex? Hell yes! She wins the big fat cigar for being the Biggest Bitch IN THE WORLD! Our ten-year-old Daughter, Susie? Time will tell.
I think the love between Grandmother and I really began this one day that I took her to her Doctors appointments, and later, for Sushi. My Ex had a meeting at work that she couldn’t excuse herself from.
Knock, knock, knock. “Who is it?” grandma yelled from the other side of her door. “Hey Mrs. Jefferies, it’s Tom. I’m here to take you to your doctors’ appointment”. Mrs. Jefferies, as I called her, as my Ex didn’t think it was kosher for me to call HER grandmother anything other than, Mrs. Jefferies.
As soon as I walked in, she gives me a huge grandmotherly hug and says, “Thank GOD, that you are picking me up by yourself. I’ve always liked you, and how you have treated me, and it’s nice to see you alone without that bitch of a grand-daughter of mine, although, my daughter is a really close second-place (my ex-mother-in-law).
Wow! This hit me like the Dodgers winning the World Series. Shock and amazement, and revelation. Shock at first, because she has always “acted” rather bitchy at times, so I thought she was the inspiration for all the generations that followed her. Then amazement and revelation all at once. “Maybe she isn’t such a “Bad Grandma” after all. On the way to the Doctor’s office, we began a great conversation. One of those kinds of conversations that makes you turn off your car’s radio.
As we pulled out of her driveway, she touched my arm for a second, and just started talking. One thing I had learned from my experience as a Sales& Marketing professional, was what it takes to be a great conversationalist, the ability to “Listen”. You have to develop the “skill” to REALLY listen to the other person when they are talking, without interrupting. People “interrupt” because they are NOT listening. While you are talking, the other person, instead of listening, they are thinking, trying to formulate in their mind, what THEY want to say. Wither it’s related to the subject of your conversation or not. It’ s particularly annoying/frustrating when you are an older person with short-term memory loss issues. So, be a good “Listener”, and you will be a GREAT “Conversationalist”.
Back to Grandma. She started sharing pieces of her life that I think she had been holding inside of her for decades. Things about her marriage, about her husband George, who had died in Korea. She shared how tough it was raising two daughters on her own, while working two jobs while going to school. Stories of her career, first as a Chemist specializing in Biochemistry, then later as an entrepreneur, starting a company that invents and produces laboratory equipment that today is a business, and industry worth billions of dollars a year.
Yes, Mrs. Jefferies although retired, still owns controlling interest in BioLabEquipped, Inc., which last year had sales of 6. 3 Billion Dollars, and ships their product to over 125 countries.
One would think, “Why are you taking her to her Doctor appointment instead of a chauffeur?” A few things, although I knew she had SOME money, I never thought that it was as much as she really was worth. I knew about her company; I just always had the thought that perhaps she had sold it off a long time ago. I never asked my Ex about it after she shut me down the first time, I asked a question about it, as my Ex said it was none of my fucking business.
The second interesting fact is that although Grandma could buy and live in a huge mansion in Beverly Hills, she lived quite humbly in the house where she first lived and raised her two daughters. The same house in San Pedro that her and her husband first bought in 1946. It still is a nice home’ on a slightly hilly section of the town, bordering on Palos Verdes South. Nice view of San Pedro and Long Beach. When I had first met her ten years earlier, she drove a Ford sedan. Nothing billionaire about that either. Our conversation that day was so interesting, Mrs. Jefferies and I stayed in my car, talking, for ten minutes when we arrived at her Doctor’s office.
That day we became friends, and she was no longer Mrs. Jefferies. She insisted that I call her Grandma from that day forward. Back to the funeral. Her grand-daughter and I (my Ex) divorced about two years later, and Grandma and I continued to have our own little “Dates” right up until she passed away.
Grandma had written in her will, that I be in attendance at her funeral. Much to EVERYONE’S shock and amazement, grandma left the bulk of her 15 Billion Dollar Estate to……You guessed it……Me! The way she wrote it made sure that I also was responsible for her charitable foundation, which really was where all of her assets were anyway. What I was given that was separate from the foundation was ALL of her shares, 52%, of her company, and the chairmanship of the Board of Directors, which my Ex and her mother still have a seat on.
Ohhh the irony of it all, the Karma. I truly loved Grandma, she knew it, and now as I’m sitting here listening to my Ex give a rather embarrassing eulogy, (she really didn’t know her grandmother at all, like I did). Like I said Karma, and THAT’S why I was invited to my Ex-Wife’s Grand-Mother’s funeral. Last part, to answer the original question. Yes, worst place to get horny, during your eulogy (Grandma had insisted in her “Last Will and Testament” that I participate in her funeral). Person inducing my horniness? One of my Ex’s cousins whom I had met only one other time while I was still married to the Battle-Ax.
If there is a “Comedy Writer” out there that would like to collaborate with me in writing Sit-Com type sketches with me, let me know.
Postscript: Ideas for a Sitcom
First episode is the funeral. Throughout the series of episodes, Grandma only appears in “flashbacks” of my interactions with Grandma, some with my Ex and many more flashbacks with just myself and Grandma.
Opening scene is at the funeral, as we (the audience) listen to the eulogy by my Ex, then my brutally honest eulogy afterwards.
My Ex’s eulogy: To be written
My eulogy: “Many of you, to your shock, amazement, and dismay, found out to your last Thursday why I’m here today eulogizing our Grandmother.
Insert flashback scene of the reading of the will at a special meeting of the Board of Directors. I am already seated at the huge executive boardroom table when Tracy, my ex-wife, walks into the room, “What the fuck is he doing here”, (pointing at me) as she asks Mr. Fitzgerald, the corporate attorney.
“Mr. Anderson is here at my request, according to Mrs. Jefferies wishes as stated in her Last Will and Testament” as you will see in the copy provided. Miss Hathaway, please distribute everyone’s copy, thank you kindly”.
My ex’s mother, Alice pipes up, “This is a bunch of bullshit, and you know it”.
In addition to the few family members, the entire non-family members of the board are present as well. Everyone is now quiet as mouses in a Church, as Mr. Fitzgerald begins to read the fairly brief will.
Haven’t written the actual “Reading of the Will” part yet, but use your imagination for now.
I continue with my eulogy. Yes, I know some of you are gritting your teeth right now in anger and resentment, but Mrs. Jefferies, Grandma to all of us, wanted me to participate in this occasion. I can call her Grandma because she truly had become like a real Grandmother to me. In a way, a Grandmother I never had, because my real Grandmothers had died long before I was born.
Grandma and I had a special relationship that began about two years before I was kicked out of the “Family” when Tracy and I divorced, and that special relationship continued for four years after. Of course, it was a secret relationship. Grandma wanted it that way. We had many fun times together, talking, going out to eat. I took her places that you, her “Loving” children and grand-children, couldn’t take her. I’m sure some of you wanted to, and there were several times when Tracy and I did take her to the museum or to a play a few times, but the truth is, she thought all of you were nothing but a “Bunch of Bitches”, waiting for her to “Croak” so you could get your hands on her money (insert flashback here, of one of the Great-Grand-Children asking Grandma, “What does Croak mean, Grandma? I heard Mommy ask Daddy one day, I wish Grandma would jut croak now”).
Grandma and I even went on a Mexican Cruise last year and you didn’t know she was even gone for a week. What’s that say about YOUR relationship with Grandma. I can tell you, when I first met her, fifteen years ago, I really thought she was the “Seedling Bitch” that some of you came from. She acted that way in your presence not because she WAS a bitch, but because that was her fucking (excuse the expression), persona she had to invent just to survive all the bitchiness she was surrounded with. I got to know her for real, for who she really was, in her mind, and in her heart. She really loved her Great-Grand-Children, all three of you. It’s obvious in how she has not forgotten you in her will. She had told me on numerous occasions that she was only sorry that she didn’t have the opportunity to see you and spend more time with you. Someday you will understand why your Great-Grandmother was not allowed more time with you.
She was a sweet woman, and I thoroughly enjoyed the time I spent with her. She was funny too. You should have seen her last year when we went on that Mexican Cruise, (which I paid for, by the way). She tried riding a Donkey in Ensenada. It was hilarious, (insert flashback of Grandma riding a donkey on Av Adolfo López Mateos Avenue in Ensenada, yelling, “VIVA MEXICO!”, with a big Cuban Cigar sticking out of her mouth). In conclusion, I loved Grandma, and I truly believe she loved me. She will be greatly missed, by all, I’m sure. RIP Mrs. Jefferies, we all love you”.
For my faithful readers that are aware that I’m finally working on “The Dead Armadillo” story, like say, a Producer, or a Director, or a Screenwriter or someone or a company that desires to option my novel, you can contact me at any time, night or day. If you are a one of those faithful readers that wish to read and follow my progress as I work on this novel, I will be posting updates as a PDF file on every new post on this website/blog. Here’s the latest of “The Dead Armadillo”
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Peace & Abide, La paz y la morada, السلام والالتزام , שלום ושמירה, Paix et Demeure, Խաղաղությունը եւ մնալը, Мир и пребывание,, 平和と遵守, 和平與恪守, Aştî û Abad, صلح و عبید, Fred och Abide, Kapayapaan at Patuloy, Frieden und Bleiben, Mir i Ostanite, शांति और निवास, Hòa bình và ở lại, Мир и Абиде, שלום און בלייַבן, สันติภาพและการปฏิบัติ, Mir in bivanje,
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